Sunday, October 30, 2011

What God taught me through delivering my son.

I laid in a hospital bed for 30 hours in labor. I was mentally preparing myself for giving birth to my first child that had already passed away. I dreaded that moment, picturing in my head the heartache and pain that would come with delivery. The labor continued on and on with no progress.
I was alone in the hospital room –writhing in pain from a contraction-- wanting to be anywhere else than where I was. I felt as if I was going through all of this pain for nothing. I would have no baby to bring home or dote on.  No announcement, no outfit to bring my child home in…I would get nothing. Still, I felt it needed to happen. Although I knew my child would never take a breath, he needed to be delivered. He deserved an entrance into the world. His life in the womb was significant enough to deserve a delivery. Then it hit me. I thought to myself, “Now I get it!”  
The sacrifice on the cross was very similar, but holds an infinite amount more significance than my small offering to him. That sacrifice put in motion the course of eternity, and redeemed us from the grip of sin. There was no reward at the end. His heart hurt witnessing the sacrifice, but it had to be done.  In order for Christ’s church to be saved, it had to be done.  When Christ said, “Into thy hands I commit my spirit”, there was death --no joy, no praise, only death.  But, through this act of sacrifice, Christ conquered death and claimed victory for His children. That includes Joshua Jr.
When the time finally came to deliver my precious boy, I was overcome with a surprising emotion, one I had not prepared myself for: joy.  God received the glory when he took Joshua Jr., but he also provided the comfort and the promises I need to get through this affliction. He was glorified in our son’s death. Many people have questioned God in a similar trial and there is nothing wrong with questioning God if done in a healthy way. The Psalmist continually questioned God with humility. But I don’t feel the need to question God.  He decided this was best for Josh and I. He decided this trial would bring Him honor and glory.  I can rest knowing that God can take my son from me because He gave His as a sacrifice. I don’t need any other explanation.  God has never been anything but good to our family. His mercy and grace come over us like a flood and He has given us more than what we deserve.
I am thankful that God allowed me to go through this. I have been able to receive a better understand of the gospel that previously I would have ignored, or carried on in complacency.  Josh and I have been called out to greater and higher things, for the sake of the gospel. If God wants our son, then so be it. No explanation required.  I will not ask why my son was called for a different purpose than others, I will only be grateful that God allowed me to witness my little Josh, fulfilling the will of the Father. I couldn’t be a happier mother for that.